NEED TO KNOW
- Senate quietly redefines hemp so narrowly it now qualifies as “a myth, like affordable healthcare”
- Lawmakers cited “unregulated happiness” as a public threat
- Big Pharma immediately airdropped 10,000 coupons for synthetic sleep disorders
Congress voted to redefine hemp as “that thing you heard about once, but now it’s illegal again.” The change came hidden inside a 3,000-page appropriations bill nobody read except a paralegal named Susan, who is now missing.
The new definition bans any hemp-derived product that makes you feel slightly better without needing a prescription or a 4-hour erection warning. Lawmakers explained the move was necessary because “too many people were out here vibing without oversight,” which one senator clarified meant “calm, but not in a way we can monetize.”
Retailers, farmers, and people who use hemp for stress relief immediately panicked. Meanwhile, pharmaceutical lobbyists handed out thank-you muffins to congressional staff and one senator was seen fist-bumping a Xanax bottle.
“We can’t have Americans relaxing unless Pfizer says it’s OK,” said Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas, who received $40,000 in campaign donations and a branded pill organizer from four major drug companies last week.
At press time, Congress had introduced a new amendment classifying lavender, deep breathing, and sunshine as “gateway therapies.”
Quote of the moment
Hemp was our last hope. Now I’m forced to drink chamomile and whiskey and pretend it works
Kevin Flack, former chill guy
