Robert Kennedy Jr., son of Robert Kennedy and nephew of John F. Kennedy, has announced that the CIA is responsible for both his uncle’s assassination and his own future assassination.
In a press conference held at a local pizza parlor, Kennedy Jr. declared that he had uncovered evidence that the CIA had been plotting to kill him since he was a child, and that they had also been responsible for the assassination of his beloved uncle, JFK.
“I have proof that the CIA has been targeting me since I was a baby,” Kennedy Jr. announced to a group of baffled reporters. “And I also have evidence that they were the ones behind my uncle’s assassination. It’s all part of a grand conspiracy to keep the Kennedy family out of power.”
When asked to provide evidence to support his claims, Kennedy Jr. produced a stack of heavily redacted documents that he claimed had been leaked to him by a mysterious source.
“These documents prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the CIA is out to get me,” Kennedy Jr. declared, as the reporters struggled to keep straight faces. “But don’t worry, I won’t let them win. I’m going to keep running for president, and I won’t be intimidated by their nefarious schemes.”
Despite the lack of evidence and the incredulity of the press corps, Kennedy Jr.’s supporters have rallied around him, with many taking to social media to express their outrage at the CIA’s supposed involvement in his family’s tragic history.
In response to the controversy, the CIA released a statement denying any involvement in either JFK’s assassination or Kennedy Jr.’s supposed future assassination.
“We categorically deny these baseless allegations,” the statement read. “The CIA has always acted with the utmost integrity and professionalism, and we will not be drawn into these absurd conspiracy theories.”
As for Kennedy Jr., he remains undaunted by the skepticism surrounding his claims, and has vowed to continue his campaign for the Democratic nomination in 2024, despite what he sees as the best efforts of the CIA to stop him.
