NEED TO KNOW
- Rep. Lauren Boebert called for a formal drug test of Hakeem Jeffries following his record-setting House speech.
- Jeffries spoke for hours uninterrupted, causing GOP lawmakers to speculate wildly about his water-to-eloquence ratio.
- Experts say his only known enhancers were a thesaurus, a Fitbit, and decades of unpaid emotional labor.
Republicans Sound the Alarm
After House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries delivered an endless, policy-laced soliloquy to stall the Trump-backed megabill, Rep. Lauren Boebert accused him of “juicing with academic-level sentence structure.” Her formal request for a drug test cited “elevated hydration, unlikely endurance, and advanced adverb use.”
“No Normal Man Knows This Many Words”
Boebert told reporters she began suspecting foul play once Jeffries surpassed the 60-minute mark without repeating himself or saying “um.” She questioned how someone could “speak in full paragraphs and also not blink for that long.” Her team claims to have footage of Jeffries taking “a suspicious sip of Smartwater.”
Capitol Divided Over Suspected Doping
While House Democrats cheered his stamina, Republicans called it “unnatural” and “possibly Deep State yoga.” Rep. Matt Gaetz called the speech “a TED Talk on bath salts,” while Marjorie Taylor Greene simply tweeted “??? Sorcery ???” followed by a photo of electrolytes and a goat emoji.
Jeffries Responds With More Vocabulary
Asked for comment, Jeffries replied, “My endurance stems from passion, caffeine, and decades of watching C-SPAN while doing pushups.” He later released a playlist titled “Filibuster Bangers Vol. 3” and invited opponents to “get on my lexical level.”
Quote of the Moment
He used the word ‘quagmire’ in a budget debate. I want bloodwork and a reading list, now.
Lauren Boebert, maybe
