NEED TO KNOW
- Abbott unveils plan to “protect Texas from gluten and socialism”
- State to deploy cream cheese detectors at rest stops
- New Yorkers confused, Texans offended, everyone else just tired
AUSTIN, TX — Texas Governor Greg Abbott announced Tuesday that he intends to impose a “100% tariff” on all New Yorkers attempting to move to Texas, citing a “rising threat of liberal bagel energy.”
“They come here with their everything seasoning, their tiny coffees, and their big opinions,” Abbott said during a press conference outside the Governor’s Mansion. “Texas didn’t fight for independence just to be colonized by brunch.”
State of Emergency, Lightly Toasted
The statement followed reports that thousands of New Yorkers were exploring relocation options after Democratic socialist Zohran Mamdani’s surprise win in the New York City mayoral race. Abbott told reporters that “it’s not personal, it’s protection,” explaining that each incoming resident from New York would be taxed “per schmear.”
Texas border patrol has reportedly been instructed to sniff out potential offenders using “advanced olfactory technology” capable of detecting poppy seed residue and faint traces of subway musk. “If they smell like bagels or sound like they’ve argued with a doorman in the last 48 hours, we’ll find them,” said Abbott.
Texas Lawmakers Divided, But Hungry
Not all Texans are on board. State Representative Glenn Rogers warned the policy could backfire. “Half my district moved here from New Jersey. The other half owns a deli,” he said. “We’re about one brisket short of civil war.”
President Donald Trump, when asked about the measure, reportedly laughed and said, “Smart guy. He’s doing tariffs. I love tariffs. Maybe we tariff California next. A beautiful idea, maybe the best idea.”
Meanwhile, Mamdani issued a tongue-in-cheek response from New York City: “If Abbott doesn’t want our people, fine. We’ll just raise his property taxes from here.”
Abbott later clarified that Texans who “smell like bacon, barbecue, or freedom” would remain exempt.
Marla Jennings, Texas Tribune (sometimes)
