NEED TO KNOW
- Local retiree Harold Menzies begins every day “fixing” a working household item because “it looked a little funny.”
- His wife has started hiding screwdrivers and labeling things “already fixed” in hopes of deterring him.
- So far, Harold has recalibrated the toaster, WD-40’d the air fryer, and “restabilized” the perfectly level mailbox.
After four decades at the same plumbing supply warehouse, 72-year-old Harold Menzies has embraced Retirement with the unshakable conviction that everything around him is secretly broken.
“I woke up Monday, and that faucet was looking smug,” said Menzies, gripping a wrench with paternal intensity. “So I taught it a lesson.” According to family members, the faucet was functioning flawlessly before Harold applied three layers of pipe dope and rerouted the water line “for better feng shui.”
Harold’s wife, Marlene, has started labeling working appliances with signs that read, “YES HAROLD, IT’S FINE.” Sources confirm this only fuels Harold’s suspicion. “If it’s fine, why does it need a sign?” he asked while disassembling the washing machine for “an annual wellness check.”
Neighborhood security footage confirms Harold has also been seen “tuning” their perfectly good mailbox every Wednesday with a torpedo level, a brass hammer, and a glass of iced tea.
“At least he’s not in my garage reorganizing my socket set alphabetically,” said their son Greg. “Again.”
Menzies says tomorrow’s plan is to “open up the fridge and see what it’s hiding.” When asked what would happen if he actually broke something, Harold smiled. “Then I’ll finally have something to fix.”
I’m retired, not useless. I just consider myself the department of preemptive maintenance
