NEED TO KNOW
- A Brooklyn man celebrates his minimalist journey after downsizing to a yoga mat, oat milk, and persistent dread
- He sold his last possession — a reusable tote filled with other reusable totes
- Experts say he’s achieved peak lifestyle purity and should be “a quiet menace to brunch tables everywhere”
BROOKLYN, NY – With a serene Instagram caption and a photo of an empty room, 32-year-old minimalist Devin Reaves announced Tuesday that he has officially “transcended materialism” and now owns nothing except seasonal depression and artisanal guilt.
“Minimalism isn’t about having less,” Reaves told The Folly Times, seated cross-legged on the hardwood floor of his apartment. “It’s about having exactly the right amount of existential panic, curated through a lens of Scandinavian design.”
The Final Purge: From Blender to Bare Soul
Reaves began his journey four years ago after watching a documentary called Less, followed by Even Less, and then Almost Nothing. What started with Decluttering socks quickly escalated to selling his bedframe, replacing meals with air-fried tofu foam, and removing all wall art in favor of “mental white space.”
“I reached the top shelf of inner peace when I gave away my furniture,” Reaves said. “Now I eat standing up and sleep diagonally on a dog yoga mat. My chiropractor is furious.”
Minimalist, Maximally Annoying
Friends say Reaves’ transformation has been inspiring but also exhausting. “He doesn’t own a fork,” said one former roommate. “He eats salads with his hands and insists it’s more ‘connected to the earth.’ Last week he brought his own shadow to a picnic.”
Reaves now travels light, carrying only a single neutral-toned satchel containing a bamboo toothbrush, a linen notebook full of affirmations, and a laminated quote from Thich Nhat Hanh that just says “No.”
Industry Experts Applaud, Silently
Minimalist lifestyle consultant Sloane Ivy called Reaves’ achievement “the final boss of ascetic aesthetic.” She added, “The moment you own nothing but the disquiet inside you, you’re free to judge people with kitchen islands.”
Reaves plans to offer a masterclass called *Own Nothing, Influence Everything* for $349, payable only in ethically sourced breath.
Quote of the moment
I’m not homeless, I’m emotionally streamlined
Devin Reaves
