NEED TO KNOW
- Man woke up before his alarm once and believes this qualifies him as a thought leader
- He now refers to himself as “CEO of Mornings” on all platforms
- Experts confirm he fell asleep again by 8:15 AM, clutching a half-eaten protein bar
Local Man Rebrands After 6:24 AM Victory
DES MOINES, IA — Local man Tom Hendricks rebranded his entire identity after waking up six minutes before his alarm. Declaring the act a turning point in his life, he now calls himself “CEO of Mornings” and greets coworkers with phrases like, “Rise and grind, interns.”
Hendricks said, “The moment I opened my eyes naturally at 6:24, I knew I was built different. Legends don’t hit snooze.” He then posted an inspirational selfie captioned “Discipline > Alarm clocks” to his Instagram story, with a time stamp in bold font.
“Tom now wears a Patagonia vest over everything, including pajamas,” said one concerned friend. “And he told me he’s been drinking room-temperature water to build grit.”
His coffee routine has grown increasingly ritualistic, requiring three pour-over stages, two buzzwords, and one affirmation whispered to his reflection. Office colleagues report he’s started referring to his toast as “carb cash flow.”
Fame Proves Short-Lived
By 8:15 AM, Hendricks was discovered face-down on the couch, clutching a half-eaten protein bar and mumbling something about “hustle equity.” He missed three morning meetings and accidentally forwarded a Venmo request to the entire office.
When asked if this dethroned his self-appointed title, Hendricks responded, “CEOs have off-days. Steve Jobs wore the same shirt. I sleep on the same couch. Same energy.”
Quote of the Moment
The sunrise doesn’t wait for anyone. Neither do I.
Tom Hendricks, while wearing blue-light glasses at 9:36 PM
