What You Need to Know
• Kyle Jensen of Columbus, Ohio clicked “Maybe” on a Facebook event titled “Awakening Ceremony (Snacks Provided)”
• He thought it was a cookout. It was not a cookout. It was a cult
• He now chants every third Tuesday and says the Kool-Aid is “actually not bad”
BBQ Gone Wrong
COLUMBUS, OH — What began as a casual attempt to avoid family drama ended in full-blown spiritual entrapment for 28-year-old Kyle Jensen, who clicked “Maybe” on a Facebook invite and accidentally pledged his eternal loyalty to a pyramid-shaped energy god named Darnok.
“I thought it was Brad’s grill-out,” Jensen said, wearing a robe made of recycled hemp and weeping softly. “But when I got there, they gave me a candle, a name tag that said ‘Seed of Flame,’ and asked if I feared the Reawakening.”
He stayed. Mostly because he felt bad leaving early.
Snacks Were Provided
Kyle admits the initial draw was the promise of free food. “They had Doritos. Not off-brand either. Real ones.” He said he didn’t realize anything was off until the chant leader asked who was ready to transcend. “I thought she meant the appetizer table,” he said.
By the end of the night, Kyle had contributed $75, learned three verses of the Eternal Flame Oath, and was instructed not to speak to his aunt unless she’d been “cleansed.”
Friends Concerned, But Mostly Curious
Kyle’s friends noticed changes almost immediately. He now refers to the living room as a “meditative alignment zone” and corrects people who say “Monday” by whispering “Cycle 1 of Flame’s Descent.”
One friend, Sam, says, “We’re worried, but also? He finally stopped trying to get us into crypto.”
Cult Declines to Comment, Offers Brochure
A representative of the Awakening Ceremony group said they “do not consider themselves a cult,” but rather a “multi-level consciousness initiative with limited-time enlightenment incentives.” They refused further comment, then handed reporters a pamphlet titled “Do You Bleed for the Flame? (You Will).”
Kyle says he’s “taking things day by day” but also hinted at a “blood moon retreat” that might help him earn the rank of Senior Ember.
