NEED TO KNOW
- The CDC has issued a public health advisory urging Americans to stop using TikTok psychology terms in real life.
- “Main Character Syndrome” is not a medical diagnosis, despite what that girl in HR told you.
- New guidelines warn that overuse of internet Therapy buzzwords may cause side effects including smugness, group chats, and becoming a podcast guest.
CDC Declares Instagram Diagnoses a National Nuisance
In a stunning move aimed at protecting the nation’s collective sanity, the CDC has released a 47-page advisory discouraging Americans from diagnosing their friends, coworkers, and baristas with fictional internet disorders — specifically “Main Character Syndrome,” “Pick-Me Energy,” and the highly contagious “Toxic Situationship Fatigue.”
“This isn’t the DSM-5, it’s Twitter with a Canva template,” said CDC spokesperson Dr. Leslie Krane. “Just because your roommate made eye contact with a mirror and started a YouTube channel doesn’t mean she’s mentally unwell. It means she’s 27.”
Psychology Majors Everywhere Sigh in Relief
The advisory follows a 9-month spike in complaints from actual therapists, who say patients are arriving with self-diagnosed conditions like “Chronic Main Character Energy” or “Reverse Imposter Syndrome” — which turns out to just be confidence.
“I had one client say they had ‘acute villain arc syndrome,’” said Dr. Pilar Jennings, a licensed clinical psychologist. “They meant they cut bangs and blocked their ex. That’s not a disorder. That’s Tuesday.”
New CDC Labels for Everyday Annoyances
The CDC has proposed new warning labels for conversations that contain over four therapy words per sentence. Suggested signage includes: “This Hangout May Contain Trauma-Dumping,” “Do Not Engage if Mercury is in Retrograde,” and “Caution: Main Character Crossing.”
White House officials confirmed they are monitoring the situation and may launch a federal campaign called *“Touch Grass 2025.”* Funding will come from the same emergency budget that previously handled fidget spinners and emotional support llamas.
Quote of the Moment
At brunch someone told me I give ‘breadcrumbing villain mentor energy’ and honestly I’m not strong enough to live in this country
23-year-old with a notes app full of unsent texts
