NEED TO KNOW
- Nancy Mace claims Rep. Sara Jacobs’ bone structure is suspiciously symmetrical
- Mace allegedly told aides Jacobs used “glamour magic” to dominate C-SPAN appearances
- New bipartisan task force may investigate contouring sorcery in Congress
Mace Raises Eyebrows Over Cheekbones
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Rep. Nancy Mace has reportedly told aides she suspects Rep. Sara Jacobs of using some form of “cheekbone sorcery” to gain an unfair aesthetic advantage during televised hearings. Multiple sources claim Mace is “deeply uncomfortable” with Jacobs’ symmetrical face and total lack of an Adam’s apple, calling it “witch-level precision.”
A Contour Crisis on Capitol Hill
According to insiders, Mace was seen scrolling through freeze frames of Jacobs on C-SPAN and muttering, “Nobody gets that level of facial harmony without external help.” She allegedly accused Jacobs of glamor-based manipulation and suggested her opponent’s bone structure might be influencing public opinion and subverting democracy.
“I’m not saying she’s casting spells with her jawline,” one aide quoted Mace as saying. “But if the broom fits, ride it.”
Calls for a House Glamour Ethics Review
The controversy has prompted Mace to suggest a bipartisan review into what she called “glamour interference in federal proceedings.” She reportedly floated the idea of a “Cheekbone Neutrality Standard” for all televised hearings. Meanwhile, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene has offered to host a “spiritual contour audit” to determine if Jacobs is using what she called “enhanced beauty tech or demonic lighting.”
Jacobs Declines to Comment, Radiates Anyway
Rep. Jacobs has not responded to Mace’s claims, but sources say she remains “unbothered and well-lit.” Her aides laughed off the accusations, saying, “Sara’s secret weapon is water, sleep, and dignity — none of which seem to be on Rep. Mace’s skincare routine.”
C-SPAN Under Review for Lighting Bias
As the cheekbone conflict grows, several lawmakers are now pushing for a full review of C-SPAN’s lighting angles and microphone placements. “We must protect the American people from unfair jawline dominance,” Mace said in a hallway press scrum. “If you can’t beat them with policy, you beat them with bronzer.”
Quote of the moment
I’m not saying she’s a witch, but I’ve seen that bone structure bend sunlight
Nancy Mace (allegedly)
