NEED TO KNOW
- Elon Musk’s growing collection of children has officially outpaced the acreage of most national forests
- Federal authorities now require a permit and trail map to navigate his genealogy
- Donald Trump has claimed partial credit, citing his 2017 executive order to “plant more American roots”
New Species of Sibling Discovered Weekly
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprise announcement Friday, the U.S. Geological Survey and Department of Forestry jointly designated Elon Musk’s family tree a federally protected woodland. Officials cited “unprecedented genetic sprawl,” multiple climate zones, and a mating pattern that resembles a sentient game of Risk.
Visitors Strongly Encouraged to Stay on Paternity Paths
“We tried mapping it out,” said one overwhelmed ranger. “But every time we thought we found the last kid, another one popped out of a Grimes lyric or Neuralink meeting.” Tourists are now provided a laminated chart of Musk’s romantic history, a GPS collar, and bear spray, “just in case amber heard shows up.”
Trump: “I Told Him to Reproduce, He Listened Bigly”
Former President Donald Trump praised the forest designation, saying Musk was “creating more Americans than Bud Light commercials ever could.” He also took partial credit, referencing his 2017 executive order to “Make America Breathe Again.”
Trump: “I Told Him to Reproduce, He Listened Bigly”
Former President Donald Trump praised the forest designation, saying Musk was “creating more Americans than Bud Light commercials ever could.” He also took partial credit, referencing his 2017 executive order to “Make America Breathe Again.”
