NEED TO KNOW
- Dogs form intelligence alliance called FUR (Furry Unified Reconnaissance) to monitor Cats nationwide.
- Officials admit “zero visibility” into what cats do behind closed doors.
- White House dog refuses to comment, citing ongoing “indoor operations.”
Canine Coalition Calls Emergency Briefing
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a rare moment of unity, the nation’s Dogs gathered on Friday to issue a joint statement confirming what many pet owners have long suspected: they still have absolutely no idea what the cats are planning. The announcement came after weeks of unexplained feline activity, including midnight zoomies, extended stairway surveillance, and suspicious tail twitching.
“We’re seeing heightened whisker movement and coordinated staring operations,” said Rex Barkley, spokesperson for the newly formed Furry Unified Reconnaissance (FUR). “Despite constant sniffing, we have yet to uncover their endgame.” Barkley added that canine intelligence agencies are sharing resources, but morale remains low after multiple infiltration attempts were thwarted by “that damn laser pointer.”
Domestic Unrest Spreads to Suburban Households
Reports of rising tensions have surfaced from homes across America, where dogs claim cats have increased psychological warfare. “She just sits on the counter and knocks things off. Slowly. While making eye contact,” said one anonymous Labrador. “It’s strategic intimidation.” Another source described being trapped in a hallway for over an hour after a cat “blocked the choke point with calculated arrogance.”
Intelligence officials say early theories suggest the cats are “definitely hiding something,” but no consensus exists on whether it’s food, state secrets, or a plan to finally open the door to the outside world themselves.
White House Pets Urge Calm
At a press conference, First Dog Champ told reporters the administration is “monitoring the situation closely,” though refused to speculate on possible cat motives. “We urge all Americans to remain calm and continue acting like they don’t see the red dot,” Champ said before being distracted by the faint sound of a treat bag.
It’s not paranoia if they really are plotting your downfall
Dr. Winston Snout, Institute for Domestic Intelligence
Meanwhile, the Feline Federation of America declined to comment, releasing only a cryptic statement reading, “We were never here.” Analysts warn this could signal an escalation in the ongoing living room cold war, or simply that the cats have all gone to nap in the sun again.
