NEED TO KNOW
- The Supreme Court made thumb war the official way to settle family debates.
- Justice Alito confirmed that arm wrestling is still banned at holiday meals.
- Thanksgiving dinners now double as sanctioned sporting events for sibling rivalries.
Court Steps In as Family Fights Escalate
The Supreme Court delivered a 5-4 ruling to resolve one of America’s toughest challenges: how families should handle heated arguments. Going forward, anyone who wants to debate politics, gravy, or who loads the dishwasher wrong must face off in a thumb war. Chief Justice Roberts said “too many holiday dinners have ended in disaster, and it’s time for a fair solution.”
Thumb War Replaces Shouting and Monopoly
Justice Alito, writing for the majority, declared, “Thumb combat is the only method the Constitution recognizes for quick, bloodless resolution.” He added that Monopoly matches are now considered cruel and unusual punishment. Arm wrestling, according to the decision, is “right out,” especially for those with weak wrists.
America Prepares for Thumb War Season
Households across the country are already prepping for the new rule. Thumb tape sales are skyrocketing, and YouTube is flooded with thumb war tutorials. Dr. Phil has scheduled an entire week of episodes to coach families through the transition. “Remember, losing a thumb war is not a reason to storm out or write anyone out of the will,” he warned.
Legal Scholars Cheer Simpler Holidays
Experts say this could change holiday law forever. “Families fought for years about who gets the last roll or how to cut the pie,” noted Professor Margo Klein. “Now, everything’s settled by the thumbs. No more yelling. No more storming off to the garage. Just honest competition.” Many hope this will lead to more peaceful, if not quieter, gatherings.
Quote of the Moment
Some say justice is blind, but this Thanksgiving, it’ll just need a strong grip
Supreme Court Clerk
