NEED TO KNOW
- MyPillow CEO ordered to pay $2.3 million after calling ex-Dominion staffer a traitor
- Lindell insists jury’s decision was “probably tabulated by a Smartmatic vape pen”
- He promises to appeal “as soon as I find a judge who sleeps on my pillows”
Lindell Loses Big, Immediately Blames Same Machines He’s Been Yelling About for Years
DENVER, CO – A jury has found MyPillow CEO and former crack-enthusiast-turned-election-sleuth Mike Lindell liable for defaming Eric Coomer, a former Dominion Voting Systems executive. But within minutes of the $2.3 million verdict, Lindell declared the ruling invalid, claiming it had “suspicious vote flips” and that “something beeped in the courtroom.”
“There’s no way I lost unless they used a Dominion flash drive,” Lindell told reporters while holding up a half-eaten legal pad. “The jury’s decision came in too smooth. That’s how you know it was rigged.”
Verdict: Unanimous. Lindell’s Reaction: Delusional.
Jurors found that Lindell defamed Coomer by repeatedly calling him a traitor and claiming to have evidence — which turned out to be a blurry screenshot of a Reddit post and a dream Lindell once had after eating six Hot Pockets.
Lindell maintains he did nothing wrong. “I was just expressing my deeply held belief, which is protected under the First Amendment, the Second Amendment, and something I saw on a diner menu in Topeka.”
He Calls It a Victory, Which Is Definitely a Choice
“This is a huge win for free speech,” Lindell declared while visibly sweating through a cross-and-flag lapel pin. “Sure, I lost money, reputation, and another chunk of my sanity, but spiritually, I’m crushing it.”
He also promised to appeal “as soon as I find a court that trusts dreams more than evidence.”
Legal Team Prepares for Round Two, Pillow-Stuffed Briefcases in Hand
Lindell’s attorneys claimed that the verdict doesn’t count because “the jury looked too confident” and “the gavel sounded electronic.”
“We’re checking all security footage for signs of algorithmic bias, or if anyone was blinking too fast,” one lawyer said. “Mike has reason to believe at least one juror once bought a Nest thermostat.”
Meanwhile, Coomer’s attorneys hope the verdict deters future defamation. Lindell hopes it earns him one more Newsmax panel before bankruptcy court opens Monday.
Quote of the moment
They say it was unanimous, but I didn’t see anyone raise a hand
Mike Lindell
