NEED TO KNOW
- House Republicans allege Biden’s autopen signed documents without “proper human supervision”
- Comer claims the autopen could be “a national security risk” or at least “kind of rude”
- Subpoenas have been issued to the pen, its ink cartridge, and two former interns
Oversight Committee Zeroes in on Rogue Stationery
WASHINGTON — In what experts are calling “the most aggressively unserious investigation since Benghazi: The Musical,” House Oversight Chair James Comer has announced an official inquiry into former President Joe Biden’s autopen.
The device, long used to affix signatures to non-critical documents, is now being described by Comer as a “shadow executive” with unchecked powers and potentially socialist leanings.
“This is about accountability,” Comer said, while flanked by posters of the autopen with red arrows pointing at it. “How many bills did it sign? How many wars did it declare? Did it even read what it signed? I don’t think so. That’s reckless governance.”
GOP Staffers Mobilize for Social Media Assault
Within hours, Republican staffers were instructed to post scathing TikToks and threads accusing Biden of being “controlled by Big Pen.” One video shows a ballpoint slowly rotating to ominous music with the caption, “This is who was REALLY in charge.”
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene reposted an image of a Bic pen, writing, “If this is allowed, what’s next? iPads in the Oval? THINK, AMERICA.”
Meanwhile, President Trump Orders Bigger Pen
Not to be outdone, President Trump held a rally to unveil what he called “the most masculine pen you’ve ever seen. It’s twelve inches long, weighs eight pounds, and can only be operated by real men with huge hands.”
He added, “Joe’s pen was weak. Mine is strong. It’s been blessed by the Lord and Sharpie-certified.”
Legal Experts Respond With Visible Confusion
Legal scholars have largely dismissed the investigation as “a total waste of toner.” However, Comer insists it’s a matter of principle.
“No mechanical device should wield executive power,” he said, forgetting that Trump currently signs legislation with a gold-plated executive pen named “Penjamin.”
Quote of the Day
“We’re not saying the autopen is a communist, but have you ever seen it NOT support climate regulation?”
Rep. Jim Jordan
