NEED TO KNOW
- Justices agree to hear landmark case on the right to toke and holster.
- Legal scholars dub it “The Bong and Barrel Decision.”
- Experts warn a ruling could redefine “smoking gun” forever.
Founding Fathers Would Have Wanted It, Probably
The Supreme Court announced Monday it will hear arguments on whether Americans who enjoy marijuana can also own guns. Legal experts call it “the chillest constitutional question in U.S. history.” Historians add that the Founding Fathers likely “blazed” while drafting the Bill of Rights, judging by the handwriting and snack stains.
President Donald Trump’s administration pushed for the case, saying it needs to “clarify if a guy named Blaze can legally carry.” Critics argue it’s more about forcing the justices to define “baked but functional.” The courtroom, observers say, already smells like a mix of legal briefs and skunk weed.
Originalism Meets Oregon
During early hearings, Justice Clarence Thomas asked if George Washington ever packed both a musket and a pipe. Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson wanted proof of “any historical tradition of mellow vigilance.” By mid-session, witnesses said the room had become “foggy but friendly.”
The government claims mixing weed and firearms is dangerous, especially in states where gun owners might forget why they went outside. Defense lawyers respond that mellow people rarely commit crimes, though they sometimes wander into Bass Pro Shops and forget why they’re there.
Legal Weed, Illegal Logic
The debate exposes the gap between state and federal law. Half the country now sells THC gummies next to toothpaste, yet Washington still calls them evidence of crime. “It’s like saying you can buy a lighter but not candles,” one attorney said.
Analysts predict the ruling will hinge on whether being high still allows rational self-defense. Draft opinions already mention giggling, sandwiches, and something called “Second Amendment snack protections.”
If the Court sides with the defense, experts expect a new movement called “Reefer Rights.” It will protect the freedom of every citizen to hold both a peace pipe and a permit.
The decision is expected next spring, assuming they remember to issue one.
Our Founders didn’t cross the Delaware to get denied a dab.
Chester “Bud” Rawlins, Jeffersonian Weed Society
