NEED TO KNOW
- HHS secretary warns that chocolate “blocks spiritual antibodies.”
- Neighborhood parents call it “deeply concerning, but very on-brand.”
- White House insists the blood was “ethically sourced from himself.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. shocked local parents Halloween night when he handed out small glass vials labeled “100% Organic Human Serum” instead of candy. He smiled and told trick-or-treaters that chocolate “causes developmental inflammation in the soul.” According to neighbors, Kennedy wore a crimson cape and carried a clipboard that read “Make America Healthy Again.”
“This is what real wellness looks like,” he told one confused parent, who said her child just wanted a Snickers. Kennedy explained that the vials were “perfectly safe because they came from a trusted source: me.” Several parents nodded politely while stepping backward down the driveway.
Throughout the evening, Kennedy gave short speeches about insulin, microplastics, and “Big Candy’s coverup of sugar dependency.” He described Halloween as “the most dangerous corporate holiday in the Western Hemisphere.” At one point, he offered to draw blood from volunteers to “rebalance their ancestral immunity.”
The Blood Drive No One Asked For
Reactions were mixed. An eight-year-old dressed as Spider-Man said, “It was weird, but kinda cool.” Another child swapped the vial for a king-size Reese’s at school, calling it “the best trade of the night.” Parents, meanwhile, described the event as “equal parts science fair and satanic panic.”
Reporters asked whether the blood was actually Kennedy’s. An HHS spokesperson confirmed that it was, saying the secretary had “personally sourced it under ethical conditions.” They added that President Trump supported the effort, calling it “the purest Halloween spirit ever seen.” The statement did not clarify whether the blood was refrigerated or blessed.
White House Damage Control
Later that night, HHS released a memo explaining that the vials were “not intended for consumption, injection, or TikTok content creation.” Officials called the incident a “teachable moment in natural health outreach.” Despite the warning, several kids reportedly mixed the samples with Red Bull to create “Monster Energy Plus.”
By sunrise, Kennedy jogged shirtless through Georgetown while holding a leftover vial above his head. “The body is the temple,” he shouted, “and tonight, I am both priest and offering.” Parents in the neighborhood said they plan to avoid homes with porches, pamphlets, or plasma next Halloween.
At least the Dracula costume made sense this time.
Megan Dole, neighborhood mom
