The cosmos is running on fumes this week, yet somehow still found time to meddle in your personal life. Expect impulsive decisions, random texts from exes, and deep cosmic judgment for whatever you did last weekend. The universe isn’t mad, just deeply disappointed—and possibly amused.
ARIES – March 21 to April 19
You’ll start the week ready to conquer the world, then get winded opening your email. Try channeling that energy into smaller victories, like microwaving leftovers without burning them.
TAURUS – April 20 to May 20
Your craving for stability clashes with your craving for mozzarella sticks. The stars recommend balance—so order both.
GEMINI – May 21 to June 20
You’ll tell two sides of every story, mostly because you can’t remember which one you told first. Mercury approves this chaos.
CANCER – June 21 to July 22
Your emotions will surge like the tide, but without the calming ocean aesthetic. Avoid mirrors and group chats after midnight.
LEO – July 23 to August 22
You’ll try humility again this week. It won’t take. But that’s fine—the world runs better when you’re a little full of yourself.
VIRGO – August 23 to September 22
You’ll make a list, lose the list, then make a new list about finding the list. The stars admire your persistence, if not your system.
LIBRA – September 23 to October 22
You’ll weigh both sides of a debate, then pick the third option no one asked for. At least you’re consistent in your unpredictability.
SCORPIO – October 23 to November 21
Passion fuels you, but so does caffeine and spite. The stars say to take a nap before you start another feud.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 to December 21
Adventure calls, but your couch replies with a better offer. Sometimes spiritual growth looks like staying in sweatpants.
CAPRICORN – December 22 to January 19
You’ll finally loosen up—right after reorganizing the entire office supply cabinet. The stars applaud your dedication to the grind.
AQUARIUS – January 20 to February 18
You’ll have a brilliant idea this week that no one understands, including you. Don’t worry, it’ll make sense to the internet in five years.
PISCES – February 19 to March 20
You’ll feel deeply connected to everything this week, especially the wrong people. The stars suggest therapy or at least deleting one contact.You’ll have a brilliant idea this week that no one understands, including you. Don’t worry, it’ll make sense to the internet in five years.
