Mercury retrograded, Venus rage-quit, and Mars started a side hustle in demolition — meaning last week’s cosmic weather looked suspiciously like your group chat after tequila. Whether you ghosted your boss, married a DoorDash driver, or declared emotional bankruptcy, the stars assure you it was “character building.”
ARIES – March 21 to April 19
You tried leading with confidence again and accidentally led everyone into a Chili’s. It’s fine; leadership is about commitment, not direction.
TAURUS – April 20 to May 20
You told yourself you’d spend less and then made an “investment” in matching dog and human pajamas. The universe says: comfortable people rarely learn, but they do sleep well.
GEMINI – May 21 to June 20
Your two personalities finally agreed on something: that you should not text your ex. Unfortunately, both of you did anyway.
CANCER – June 21 to July 22
Your emotions were so powerful they got a cease-and-desist from FEMA. Stay hydrated and avoid any Taylor Swift bridges.
LEO – July 23 to August 22
You announced a “soft launch” of your new life phase, then demanded applause. The stars admire your humility from orbit.
VIRGO – August 23 to September 22
You made a spreadsheet for your feelings again, which is progress. Sadly, Google Sheets crashed under “unresolved childhood.”
LIBRA – September 23 to October 22
You spent the week balancing your social life and your sanity. Both fell over. Try paperweights.
SCORPIO – October 23 to November 21
You weaponized mystery and seduction until HR noticed. The stars suggest channeling that energy into something legal, like candle-making or lobbying.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 to December 21
You started a new journey, then immediately needed snacks and a nap. Not all wanderers are lost, but you definitely are.
CAPRICORN – December 22 to January 19
You were this close to relaxing before remembering ambition exists. Try napping in a LinkedIn post to stay on brand.
AQUARIUS – January 20 to February 18
You reinvented yourself again, but forgot to tell your friends, job, or government-issued ID. The stars say: pick one identity and stick with it through Monday.
PISCES – February 19 to March 20
You confused déjà vu with accountability. The difference is one requires action; the other just feels French.
