This week, the planets are in a group chat that no one’s muting, and every sign is catching strays. Mercury’s gossiping, Venus is subtweeting, and Uranus is still doing whatever it wants — which explains the emotional turbulence, poor life choices, and unprovoked Target runs. Remember: astrology isn’t about fate, it’s about excuses with flair.
ARIES – March 21 to April 19
Your week begins with confidence and ends with customer service on hold. The stars say patience is a virtue, but so is hanging up and moving on.
TAURUS – April 20 to May 20
You’ll seek stability, which is adorable considering the economy. Treat yourself to a comfort snack before inflation eats it first.
GEMINI – May 21 to June 20
You’ll reconnect with an old friend who reminds you why you stopped talking in the first place. Growth looks good on you, even if it’s just passive-aggressive.
CANCER – June 21 to July 22
Someone will open up to you emotionally. Try not to adopt them. You’re a crab, not a shelter.
LEO – July 23 to August 22
You’ll shine bright this week — mainly from the reflection off your phone screen as you check likes on your last post. The stars applaud your commitment to visibility.
VIRGO – August 23 to September 22
You’ll spend hours fixing a problem no one else noticed and then quietly resent them for not noticing your fix. It’s called balance.
LIBRA – September 23 to October 22
You’ll find yourself torn between two choices, then pick the worst one out of habit. The stars love consistency.
SCORPIO – October 23 to November 21
You’ll reveal a secret this week. Don’t worry — no one believed it the first time, either.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 to December 21
Adventure calls, but it’s a scam number. Answer anyway; it builds character and possibly debt.
CAPRICORN – December 22 to January 19
You’ll schedule your feelings for next Tuesday at 4 p.m. Unfortunately, your therapist will cancel. Try a spreadsheet instead.
AQUARIUS – January 20 to February 18
Your big idea will finally take off… into the wrong direction. Innovation doesn’t always mean improvement, but it does mean chaos, so congrats.
PISCES – February 19 to March 20
You’ll experience a flood of inspiration and immediately forget it because you didn’t write it down. The universe sighs, again.
