This week the planets behave like they all overslept, grabbed the wrong coffee order, and decided to blame humanity for it. Mercury is stirring drama, Mars is elbowing everyone emotionally, and Venus is auditioning for a shopping spree no one approved. Treat these horoscopes as both a cosmic forecast and a legal disclaimer for whatever questionable decisions you were already planning to make.
ARIES – March 21 to April 19
You enter the week with bold energy and zero patience, like a caffeinated toddler with a goal. Everything feels urgent, including things that objectively aren’t, such as alphabetizing your apps. Try not to pick a fight with an inanimate object, especially revolving doors.
TAURUS – April 20 to May 20
You want comfort, but the universe wants content. Your attempt at a peaceful snack turns into an accidental emotional spiral, and suddenly you’re rethinking every life choice you made since 2014. The stars recommend carbs, but like, responsible carbs.
GEMINI – May 21 to June 20
Your thoughts arrive like a stampede of raccoons, each carrying a different opinion. You will start 12 tasks, finish none, and passionately explain something out loud that no one asked about. Mercury applauds the chaos.
CANCER – June 21 to July 22
Your mood swings this week come with sound effects. One dramatic sigh could power a small wind farm. Someone will ask “Are you okay?” and you will reply “Yes” in a tone that suggests you are absolutely not.
LEO – July 23 to August 22
You tell one mildly interesting story and somehow by Thursday it has turned into a full saga involving plot twists you don’t remember adding. People admire you for it, but also fear that you may run for office.
VIRGO – August 23 to September 22
You attempt to reorganize your entire environment but end up discovering a drawer filled with items you swear you’ve never seen before. The stars suggest letting one thing stay imperfect, starting with your attempt to control everything.
LIBRA – September 23 to October 22
You face a decision this week that should take 20 seconds but instead takes the emotional weight of a Supreme Court ruling. By the time you choose, the options no longer matter and you’ve stress-cleaned your entire living room.
SCORPIO – October 23 to November 21
Someone shares a tiny piece of personal information and suddenly you’re the keeper of their entire family tree, medical history, and a scandal involving a stolen lawn ornament. You didn’t ask for this power, but you wield it with intensity.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 to December 21
A simple outing becomes a full expedition featuring an accidental detour, an unexpected friendship with a stray cat, and one purchase you cannot logically justify. Adventure didn’t call — it FaceTimed loudly.
CAPRICORN – December 22 to January 19
You grade your own week like it’s a quarterly earnings report. Every snack becomes a KPI. Every compliment becomes a performance metric. Rest is not failure, though you may need to schedule it in 15-minute increments.
AQUARIUS – January 20 to February 18
You will have a genius idea that could genuinely improve humanity, but you will share it in the group chat during absolute peak meme hour. The message will be ignored, and the universe will sigh dramatically.
PISCES – February 19 to March 20
You float through the week like a Victorian poet trapped in modern capitalism. At least once you will stare into the distance as if receiving a prophecy, but really you just forgot what you walked into the room for.
