This week the planets form something astrologers call a tense configuration, which is Latin for everyone is losing it at the same time. Mercury is stirring gossip, Venus is impulse buying, and Saturn is quietly judging you from the corner. Treat these horoscopes as a warning label for your week, or as full permission to blame the universe for everything you were already going to do.
ARIES – March 21 to April 19
Your energy is off the charts, which is unfortunate because none of your tasks require enthusiasm, only basic adult competence. The stars suggest you stop trying to conquer the world and start trying to conquer your laundry basket.
TAURUS – April 20 to May 20
You call it self care, your bank account calls it suspicious activity. At some point this week you will whisper the words “I deserve this” before buying something that looks suspiciously like a third throw blanket shaped like a burrito.
GEMINI – May 21 to June 20
Your social life spikes so hard that your phone considers filing for workers comp. You will start five different conversations, forget all of them, then confidently circle back with the wrong hot take in every thread.
CANCER – June 21 to July 22
Your emotions arrive in waves, and this week the tide is coming in with a folding chair. One small comment will send you into a thirty minute internal monologue, three playlists, and a sudden craving for soup.
LEO – July 23 to August 22
The spotlight finds you whether you ask for it or not. A casual story you tell at lunch becomes local folklore by Friday, and somehow there are hand gestures you do not remember inventing.
VIRGO – August 23 to September 22
You attempt to fix everything, starting with a crooked picture frame and ending with the entire American healthcare system. The stars advise focusing on one area at a time, beginning with your sleep schedule and possibly your search history.
LIBRA – September 23 to October 22
You will spend a heroic amount of time trying to choose between two options that are both mediocre. By the time you decide, both have expired and you are left with the only choice that ever truly existed, leftovers.
SCORPIO – October 23 to November 21
Your intensity is set to maximum this week. You ask a simple question like “How are you really” and suddenly you are holding someone’s deepest secret along with their Netflix password and an invitation to their family reunion.
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 to December 21
Adventure calls, and of course you answer on speakerphone in public. A short errand turns into a full quest involving three wrong turns, one strange bakery, and a sincere conversation with a gas station cashier named Rhonda.
CAPRICORN – December 22 to January 19
You treat the week like a performance review from God. Every moment feels like a metric, and every snack feels like a write up. The universe would like to remind you that sometimes resting is productive, especially for people who schedule fun in bullet points.
AQUARIUS – January 20 to February 18
You will have a brilliant idea that could change society forever, or at least fix meetings. Unfortunately, you share it in a group chat that mostly sends memes, so your manifesto is wedged between a raccoon video and a typo.
PISCES – February 19 to March 20
Your intuition is loud, your to do list is louder, and your desire to lie face down on the couch is the loudest of all. Expect at least one moment when you dramatically stare out a window like a music video extra for no practical reason.
