NEED TO KNOW
- Large-scale study links cannabis use to higher risk of heart attacks, stroke, and thinking your microwave is judging you
- Researchers admit they can’t rule out the possibility the data just “felt scary at the time”
- Some participants forgot the study was happening and wandered off mid-survey for snacks
Turns Out the Munchies Might Munch Back
ATLANTA, GA – A new study published in the journal *Heart* suggests Marijuana users face a significantly higher risk of dying from cardiovascular disease — though some experts warn that further research is needed, ideally by people who aren’t already half-baked and giggling through their lab coats.
“The numbers are clear,” said lead researcher Dr. Émilie Jouanjus. “But so were the Cheetos we used as a control group. It’s hard to know what’s real anymore.”
The Risk? About a Joint and a Half More Than You Thought
The study, based on data from over 200 million people, found that weed users had a 29% higher risk of heart attack and a 20% higher risk of stroke. However, researchers acknowledge that most of the users were between the ages of 19 and 59 — the demographic also most likely to climb things they shouldn’t and forget where they left the dog.
“We’re not saying cannabis causes heart attacks,” clarified Dr. Lynn Silver. “We’re just saying it’s suspicious. Like, did that gummy look at me funny?”
High Potency, Low Denial
According to the findings, today’s THC products are up to 510 times stronger than the joints your uncle pretended not to inhale in the ‘70s. Vapes, dabs, and edibles may appear innocent, but researchers warn they can elevate heart rate, increase paranoia, and cause users to passionately explain cryptocurrency to uninterested cats.
“This stuff isn’t Woodstock anymore,” said one cardiologist. “It’s Doomscrollapalooza in gummy form.”
Public Response: Classic Mix of Paranoia and Denial
Following publication, cannabis enthusiasts questioned the study’s integrity, its sample size, and whether the scientists were secretly cops. “I read the whole thing,” said one Reddit user. “But then I got distracted by a Dorito and forgot my password.”
Still, some healthcare professionals recommend moderation. “If you’re over 60 and using weed for sleep or pain,” said Dr. Silver, “just be aware — that warm fuzzy feeling might be your arteries staging a protest.”
Quote of the moment
We’re not saying weed is dangerous, but if your vape pen has a USB-C port and fan cooling, maybe slow down
Dr. Lynn Silver
