NEED TO KNOW
- Trump promises drug prices will “drop 300% or more.”
- Pfizer CEO calls deal “historic” and “mildly confusing.”
- Website rumored to redirect users to Trump Wine Club checkout page.
TrumpRx: Meds You Can Trust, Probably
President Donald Trump announced the launch of “TrumpRx,” a new prescription drug service that promises to “make medicine great again” by cutting out insurance companies, pharmacists, and occasionally the math. The website, which officials say will offer “the best deals from the best deals,” has already crashed twice from users searching for Advil and “whatever Ozempic is.”
Trump told reporters the new platform would deliver discounts “so low they’ll make Pfizer jealous,” while Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla, standing beside him, smiled like a man legally required to. “This is a game-changer for America,” Bourla said, “and possibly for offshore tax shelters.”
Discounts So Deep, They’re Unbelievable
Under the deal, Pfizer will reportedly lower prices by up to 100 percent, or “300 percent if you’re really good at negotiation.” Drugs like Eucrisa, Zavzpret, and Xeljanz will appear on the site at “most favored nation” pricing, which Trump described as “like Costco, but patriotic.” White House staff confirmed the site accepts Visa, Mastercard, and “TrumpBucks,” a loyalty currency redeemable at Mar-a-Lago pro shops.
Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. praised the deal, explaining that Trump “harangued and harassed us” to finish it, sometimes calling staff at 3 a.m. to ask if Lipitor could “be made great again.” Critics, however, warn the plan resembles Trump University’s business model: promise big savings, deliver a lawsuit.
Experts Warn of Side Effects
Medical experts caution consumers to “read the fine print carefully,” as some medications may include unexpected subscription charges, resort fees, or invitations to Truth Social. Democrats mocked the plan as “Medicare for MAGA,” noting it mostly benefits anyone who already owns a golf cart.
Still, Trump’s allies hailed TrumpRx as a “historic leap” in Health Care reform. “President Trump just took on Big Pharma and won,” said Medicare Director Chris Klomp, adding that “if this fails, he’ll just rename it Trump Wellness Resorts.”
We’re finally seeing a prescription plan with the same credibility as a timeshare pitch. Dr. Philmore Cash, National Institute for Fiscal Hypnosis
We’re finally seeing a prescription plan with the same credibility as a timeshare pitch
Dr. Philmore Cash, National Institute for Fiscal Hypnosis
