NEED TO KNOW
- President Trump warns Tylenol might cause “weak babies and liberal thoughts”
- Robert F. Kennedy Jr. nods in agreement, possibly to music only he can hear
- Administration launches new prenatal policy: “Red, White, and Labor”
President Donald Trump announced a new health initiative this week titled “Tough It Out: Real Women Don’t Need Tylenol.” The president, now calling himself “Dr. Trump, MD (Mostly Divine),” unveiled his findings beside Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who nodded approvingly while staring into space. Trump warned expectant mothers that Tylenol could lead to “weak babies, weak minds, and too many questions later in life.”
1. You Learned to Read Before Age Ten
According to Trump, “early readers” show dangerous independence, a possible side effect of prenatal Tylenol. He claimed that “true patriots take a little longer, like me with the Mueller Report.” Experts tried explaining genetics, but Trump waved them off, saying, “I’ve seen the charts, they’re incredible charts, very scientific.”
2. You Cry During Movies
Trump believes showing emotion is a clear warning sign of maternal Tylenol use. He reminded Americans that tears are “un-American liquids” and suggested replacing crying with chanting “USA” during stressful scenes. “We’re raising a nation of sobbers, folks,” he said. “In my day, we watched Bambi, and if your mom took Tylenol, you cried when the deer died.”
3. You Believe in Doctors
The president called medical professionals “mostly fake news with stethoscopes.” He encouraged women to ignore science and instead trust “natural healing, prayer, or maybe a little golf.” Trump added that his body alone “produced antibodies so strong, Pfizer asked to license them.” Kennedy agreed, saying, “I also believe in nonsense.”
4. You’ve Ever Asked for Help
Trump says needing assistance is the ultimate proof your mother reached for a pain reliever. “Real women give birth in traffic, stand up, and drive home,” he declared. “Weakness is not freedom. Pain builds character, and probably a strong baby.” He proposed a patriotic Pregnancy challenge titled “Red, White, and Labor.”
5. You Respect Women’s Rights
Trump linked feminism directly to “over-medicated wombs.” He claimed Tylenol causes “radical thoughts like equality or wanting to sleep eight hours.” He reassured voters that his administration would “protect women, whether they like it or not,” before pivoting to a slide labeled “The War on Women: Winning Bigly.”
Doctors nationwide urged pregnant women to ignore Trump’s remarks. However, his campaign quickly released commemorative “Tough It Out” maternity shirts, featuring the slogan “No Pain, No Problem.” Sales soared among donors seeking tax write-offs.
Trump concluded his speech with a call to action: “America was built on pain, folks. If women can’t handle a headache, how will they handle freedom?” He then prescribed himself a Diet Coke and a round of applause.
America was built by women who sneezed out patriots without painkillers
Dr. Ronny Jackson, White House Wellness Denier
