NEED TO KNOW
- App preloaded on all Trump Phones, tracks vital signs, voting history, and condiment preferences
- Users who exceed 3 servings of kale will receive a midnight wellness check from ICE
- RFK Jr. says wearables are “the new rosaries” and should be kissed before sleep
WASHINGTON, DC — In what experts are calling “a masterstroke of authoritarian wellness,” President Donald Trump unveiled a national health tracking system powered by tech giants and guided by “real American values,” like cholesterol and unwavering eye contact with Tucker Carlson.
The app, dubbed **TRUMP: Total Real-time Unified Medical Protocol**, sends push notifications anytime a user performs “suspicious health activity,” such as shopping at Whole Foods, donating blood, or reading an article with the word “climate.”
“The body knows when you’re lying to your country,” said Trump, holding up a glowing watch preloaded with Bible quotes and a meat-sweat detection algorithm. “This thing catches RINOs before your immune system does.”
Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. praised the system for blending science and nationalism: “When your wearable sees you turning left on a hiking trail, it sends your BMI straight to Mar-a-Lago’s command center. That’s freedom.”
Privacy advocates raised concerns about HIPAA violations and data sharing. In response, Trump laughed and asked, “What’s HIPAA, some kinda liberal yogurt?”
Despite backlash, the app rollout will begin next week, targeting demographics with the lowest crucifix exposure.
Quote of the moment
Your resting heart rate tells us everything we need to know about your politics
Surgeon General, Sean Rock, M.D. (Mostly Drunk)
