NEED TO KNOW
- Egg prices hit record lows, but they now come with a free, limited-time serving of salmonella.
- Trump calls the outbreak “fake news,” touting his “Eggonomics Miracle” from Mar-a-Lago breakfast bar.
- August Egg Company blames “woke handwashing guidelines” for the shell-shocking crisis.
America Celebrates Cheap Eggs—and Pays the Price
After years of complaints about expensive breakfast staples, Americans are finally cracking open a carton of victory. Egg prices have plummeted to historic lows, a point President Trump won’t let anyone forget. “I promised you cheap eggs, and I delivered—no one ever delivered eggs like me,” he declared, pausing only to dodge a question about the CDC’s recent salmonella warning.
Eggs So Cheap, Even Salmonella Can Afford Them
Unfortunately, these eggs are flying off the shelves straight into news headlines. Over 70 people in seven states have been sidelined by a sudden salmonella outbreak traced to the August Egg Company. The CDC cautions, “These eggs are for the bold. Or the reckless.” Still, shoppers remain unfazed, snagging “Buy One, Get a Trip to the ER Free” deals at their local big-box stores.
Trump Credits Himself—Blames ‘Deep State Chickens’
As the outbreak spread, the White House remained focused on the bottom line. “Prices are so low, even salmonella wants in,” quipped Trump at a breakfast roundtable, spooning runny eggs onto a MAGA-branded plate. Administration spokespeople point fingers at “deep state chickens” for sabotaging American breakfasts. The CDC quietly recommends doubling up on toast.
The CDC’s Scrambled Advice
Officials urge consumers to check their eggs, cook thoroughly, and perhaps enjoy toast for a while. Still, some say this is just another sign that “winning” comes with a side of queasy. The August Egg Company, meanwhile, insists their eggs are safe for “anyone with a robust sense of adventure and a strong immune system.”
Quote of the Moment
Eggs are now cheaper than water and almost as dangerous
Dr. Frank Overeasy, Self-Appointed Egg Czar
