NEED TO KNOW
- Trump claims Tylenol use in pregnancy linked to Autism
- Suggests Ivermectin since “horses don’t get autism”
- RFK Jr. and NIH scramble to sound like they’re on board
WASHINGTON, DC — President Donald Trump declared victory over autism Monday by announcing that acetaminophen, the common pain reliever found in Tylenol, is the real culprit behind rising diagnoses, and that horses might have had the answer all along.
“When you look at horses, strong horses, very few have autism. Maybe none. They’re too busy winning races. They take Ivermectin, lots of it,” Trump said, while standing next to Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who nodded with the urgency of a man trying to remember his own conspiracy theories.
Doctors Asked to Prescribe ‘Horse-Level Solutions’
Trump explained that his administration would warn pregnant women about Tylenol use, but also “encourage better, safer options, like horse dewormer.” He added, “If it’s good enough for a 1,200-pound stallion, imagine what it can do for a baby. Tremendous results.”
White House aides later clarified that the president was not technically banning Tylenol, just making it “look very guilty” until people stopped buying it. The plan will also highlight leucovorin, a cancer drug, because Trump said it “sounded expensive and scientific.”
Experts Try Not to Laugh in Public
Medical professionals privately expressed concern but publicly struggled to explain the policy without chuckling. One NIH researcher, speaking on background, admitted, “Ivermectin does exactly one thing: it deworms horses. Autism is not a worm.”
Still, the administration rolled forward with glossy pamphlets showing smiling families, galloping horses, and the slogan “Don’t Risk Tylenol, Go With the Winners.”
RFK Jr. Finds His Moment
Standing by Trump’s side, RFK Jr. said, “We’ve known for years that Big Painkiller has been hiding the truth. The answer was neighing at us the whole time.”
FDA Commissioner Marty Makary promised “immediate studies” on pregnant mares, while NIH Director Jay Bhattacharya suggested “it couldn’t hurt” to try. Meanwhile, pharmacists across the country reported a run on Ivermectin, though most customers were seen asking, “Is there a chewable version?”
Trump concluded his announcement by reminding reporters that he, personally, “never takes Tylenol, never needed to, because my brain is beautiful, perfect, maybe the best.”
If horses start giving TED Talks, then maybe we’ll believe it
Dr. Karen Velasquez, Johns Hopkins
