NEED TO KNOW
- 86% of men surveyed would rather “tough it out” than admit they’re confused about basic nutrition.
- One-third believe electrolytes are only found in Gatorade or the ocean.
- Most common male health strategy: googling symptoms and shaking it off like a linebacker with a torn ACL.
Kale Confusion and the Masculinity Crisis
In what doctors are calling both “concerning” and “completely unsurprising,” a new study from the University of Phoenix’s online wellness lab reveals that American men remain deeply committed to misunderstanding nutrition. Despite widespread health access, 4 out of 5 adult males would rather guess what a carb is than risk appearing weak by reading a label.
“The results were staggering,” said Dr. Natalie Guzman, who led the survey. “One man described spinach as ‘leaf bacon,’ while another thought quinoa was an online pharmacy.”
When in Doubt, Eat Meat and Google It Later
According to the data, 71% of men admit they get most of their health information from memes, energy drink cans, and whatever Joe Rogan yells into a microphone. When asked if they had a balanced diet, 62% pointed to their plate of steak and fries and said, “That’s protein and starch. That’s balance.”
The study found most men would rather die of mild dehydration than carry a water bottle, with one respondent stating, “Water’s for fish and losers.”
Medical professionals are now calling for nationwide intervention, possibly in the form of tricking men into learning nutrition through fantasy football stats or labeling vegetables as “grillables.”
Gym Memberships, Still Not Therapy
While exercise is often seen as a healthy outlet, researchers warn that many men are using the gym exclusively to suppress emotion, prove dominance over stair machines, and avoid dealing with their feelings about Greek yogurt.
One man, after being told his cholesterol was high, responded, “What even is cholesterol? Is that the stuff in cheese that makes it taste like freedom?”
Despite health apps, wearables, and literal doctors, male nutritional literacy remains tragically low. One in five adult males believes “fiber” is a government surveillance term.
Quote of the Moment
If kale had bacon’s confidence, I’d probably eat it too
Troy W., who once used Monster Energy as salad dressing
