NEED TO KNOW
- National Donut Day is Friday, June 6th—expect sugar highs, office chaos, and at least one federal press conference about “donut safety.”
- Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK Jr. calls for new labels warning that “Donuts may cause excessive enjoyment, conspiracy, or sprinkles-induced hallucinations.”
- The National Bagel Alliance still claims pastry discrimination, but nobody listens because donuts have better PR.
America’s Sweetest, Most Regulated Holiday
Donut shops everywhere are preparing for the annual rush, while Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. warns the public about the “unexplored health risks” of pastry consumption. “We just don’t know what’s in the sprinkles,” said RFK Jr. during a 54-minute briefing. “I am not saying they cause mind control, but I am not saying they don’t.”
The Centers for Donut Disease Control (CDDC), a new sub-agency, has issued color-coded donut alerts. The highest level, “Cruller Red,” is in effect for Boston Creams and jelly-filled varieties, citing “unknown filling of unknown origin.”
Dentists Brace for Glaze-Related Mayhem
“Every June, our waiting rooms fill up with folks claiming ‘the government told me it was safe,’” said Dr. Linda Sweet, an Illinois dentist. This year, RFK Jr. suggested a 12-point consent form before biting into a maple bar. “You have a right to know what Big Pastry isn’t telling you,” he declared, before eating a donut and immediately posting a warning about “possible nano-frosting.”
Meanwhile, the American Dental Association released its annual advice: “Eat, brush, repeat. Donut stress.”
Bagels Protest Pastry Favoritism
The National Bagel Alliance organized their yearly demonstration, chanting “Schmear Justice Now” outside Dunkin’. RFK Jr. briefly joined, holding a sign reading “Stop the Glaze Agenda,” until lured away by a free apple fritter. “This is about transparency,” he insisted, wiping powdered sugar from his lapel.
Insiders report the protest ended when bagels and donuts agreed on a bipartisan snack break, uniting only to ridicule rice cakes.
Friday Outlook: Jelly-Filled Uncertainty
As the nation prepares for its sugariest holiday, government agencies warn that “unforeseen consequences” may include happiness, friendship, and the sudden urge to nap at your desk. RFK Jr. plans a late-morning address on the possible link between powdered sugar and 5G reception, though staffers quietly admit he just really likes the sound of his own voice.
In summary: enjoy National Donut Day, but if you see a guy with a bullhorn and a clipboard outside Krispy Kreme, don’t make eye contact. It’s probably the Secretary of Health.
