NEED TO KNOW
- Rogan says yelling louder than your neighbor burns “at least 400 calories per conspiracy.”
- Workout gear includes elk jerky, kettlebells, and questionable medical advice shouted at high volume.
- Plan already banned in three gyms after members ruptured their vocal cords mid-deadlift.
The Sound of Gains
Joe Rogan has unveiled his latest fitness craze: screaming until your abs appear. The podcaster, UFC commentator, and elk steak enthusiast told followers that vocal rage is “the most primal form of core training,” claiming it doubles as therapy for those “traumatized by Wi-Fi.” According to Rogan, a single 20-minute scream session burns more fat than CrossFit, Zumba, and a pharmaceutical recall combined.
The Science, Allegedly
Although no peer-reviewed studies exist, Rogan insists science is “on his side.” He cites ancient warriors, pro wrestlers, and toddlers in grocery stores as proof that screaming builds unmatched stamina. He also claims his lungs are now so powerful that he can shout a kettlebell across the room without touching it. Scientists remain skeptical, but Rogan countered: “They laughed at me when I ate raw elk liver, and now look—my mitochondria are jacked.”
The Movement Catches Fire
Gyms across the country are reporting a surge in members grunting, roaring, and shrieking mid-squat. Planet Fitness has already introduced a “Lunk Alarm 2.0” specifically for Rogan disciples. Meanwhile, Rogan teased a new supplement line called “Yell Whey,” promising protein-packed powder that tastes like frustration and smells faintly of moose jerky.
We’ve never seen anyone get shredded just by screaming at a medicine ball, but Joe Rogan seems determined to prove us wrong
National Association of Pulmonary Trainers
