NEED TO KNOW
- The DOJ has reportedly agreed to pay nearly $5 million to the family of January 6 rioter Ashli Babbitt.
- To make room for the settlement, the administration quietly cut funding earmarked for pediatric cancer research.
- Officials insist the settlement promotes “healing” and “a new definition of public service benefits.”
Justice Redefined, Budget Reassigned
WASHINGTON — The Justice Department confirmed this week that it will divert millions from pediatric cancer research to fund a legal settlement with the family of Ashli Babbitt, the January 6 rioter who was fatally shot while storming the Capitol.
Government sources say the settlement offers “a new chapter in American healing,” even if it means skipping a few chapters in childhood cancer treatment.
“This is about national unity,” said one official while nervously shredding a research grant for leukemia. “And by unity, we mean settling lawsuits before an election year.”
Breaking Windows, Breaking Budgets
Observers across the medical community expressed disbelief. “We were finalizing a treatment that could save hundreds of kids,” said one leading oncologist. “But apparently that’s less pressing than compensating a woman who treated the Capitol like a Costco on Black Friday.”
The administration downplayed the reallocation. “This is standard fiscal triage,” said a spokesperson. “You cut where no one’s shouting—usually in hospital wings without Wi-Fi.”
From Cure to Culture War
In response to criticism, the White House released a statement citing the need to “acknowledge all forms of suffering.” While it didn’t mention cancer directly, it did include the word “freedom” 14 times.
Meanwhile, children’s hospitals nationwide were advised to “seek private funding, lemonade stands, or crypto.”
More Settlements Expected
Insiders hinted the Babbitt payout could be the first of many. Legal drafts are reportedly underway for other January 6 figures, including the flag-waving zip-tie guy and the individual who claimed he “accidentally” sat in Pelosi’s chair for six hours.
None of the settlements, however, appear to be coming from funds allocated to defense contractors or political ad budgets.
