NEED TO KNOW
- Drug nicknamed “Regretti” approved for adults who texted “wyd?” after midnight.
- Side effects include false confidence and renewed hope in your ex.
- Doctors warn it may delete entire relationships, not just messages.
The Memory Eraser Millennials Have Been Waiting For
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts are calling a “major breakthrough in emotional hygiene,” the Food and Drug Administration announced approval of a new drug designed to make users forget every humiliating text they’ve ever sent. The pill, marketed under the brand name Regretti™, is being hailed as a revolutionary step forward for anyone who’s ever typed, “You up?” with tears in their eyes.
According to the FDA, Regretti works by targeting neural pathways linked to cringe memory recall. Within 48 hours, users report feeling “light,” “emotionally detoxed,” and “ready to make the same mistake again.” Trials showed a 94% reduction in midnight overthinking and a 60% increase in texts beginning with “Hey stranger.”
Experts Praise Results, Warn Against Overuse
“This is a miracle for modern dating,” said Dr. Tina Pavlov, lead researcher on the study. “We’ve spent years developing Technology to remove tattoos, but finally we have something for words you can’t take back.” Pavlov cautioned that overuse of the drug could result in total amnesia regarding every bad decision made since 2012, including crypto investments and Tinder Plus subscriptions.
One early tester described the experience as “like therapy, but faster and covered by insurance.” Another said he took two doses and “forgot both exes, three jobs, and a full season of The Bachelor.”
Pharma Industry Celebrates a Profitable New Market
The manufacturer, Humanautics Labs, has already filed for expansion trials under a second product, Regretti XR, aimed at people who “reply all” on work emails. “We’re very excited about the potential for cross-market shame relief,” said company CEO Martin Klyne. “Between texting, social media, and family group chats, America is a gold mine of emotional regret.”
Finally, a cure for drunk texting your ex and waking up patriotic about it
Dr. Riley Monroe, Center for Emotional Safety
Meanwhile, Congress is reportedly drafting a bipartisan bill to make Regretti mandatory for anyone who has ever posted a political rant on Facebook. Lawmakers from both parties expressed optimism, saying, “We could all use a clean slate—and possibly a sedative.”
FDA officials confirmed the pill will be available nationwide by spring, pending a separate investigation into why all their interns suddenly forgot to file expense reports.
