NEED TO KNOW
- Doctors are now officially diagnosing “just getting old” as a medical condition, saving everyone time and co-pays.
- Common symptoms include back pain, knee pops, and the urge to complain about “kids these days.”
- Insurance coverage for “just getting old” may be limited to coupons for liniment and elastic waistbands.
The Agony of Aging, Explained in 30 Seconds
Dr. Marshall Owens broke the news to his patient with a gentle shrug and a prescription for Advil. After listening to a laundry list of aches and mysterious twinges, he gave the only diagnosis modern medicine can guarantee: “You’re just getting old, sorry.” The exam room fell silent except for the sound of the patient’s joints protesting as they stood up.
Physicians everywhere report record numbers of these conversations. The medical term for this diagnosis is “aging-Related Whatever,” and it’s spreading faster than knee replacements at a pickleball tournament.
Classic Symptoms: From Snap, Crackle, Pop to Sigh
Patients arrive with complaints ranging from stubborn shoulder pain to mysterious lower back stiffness. Dr. Owens admits, “The body just starts making sounds you didn’t know were possible.” Every year, millions of Americans receive the same advice: try stretching, try yoga, maybe try ignoring it.
The most prescribed treatment is a mix of nostalgia and muttering “when did everything start hurting?” under your breath. Some patients attempt new hobbies like pickleball, but doctors warn this often leads to a repeat diagnosis—plus an ice pack.
Insurance Industry Responds Heroically
Major insurance companies have leapt into action. Their latest coverage option is the “Welcome to Getting Old” plan, which provides discounts on hot/cold packs and floral print compression socks. Claims adjusters now offer tissue packs for weeping during birthday months.
One industry spokesperson says, “We believe in holistic care, especially if that means sending you a brochure about living wills.” Despite demand, the only new treatment covered is an annual call reminding you to schedule your colonoscopy.
Doctors and Patients: United in Acceptance
Many doctors say the most effective approach is radical honesty. Dr. Owens encourages patients to embrace the aches and enjoy telling stories about the days before everything hurt. He says, “If you can still remember where you left your car keys, you’re doing better than most.”
Patients, meanwhile, have learned to celebrate minor victories, like standing up without making a sound or eating spicy food without regret. Support groups have formed in grocery store aisles, where strangers bond over remembering phone numbers from childhood.
Looking Forward: The Future of “Just Getting Old”
Experts predict the next breakthrough in aging will be a pill that makes you forget why you entered a room in the first place. Until then, Dr. Owens suggests enjoying early dinners and talking loudly about the weather.
The medical community agrees: getting old isn’t for the faint of heart, but it does provide plenty of material for jokes—and doctor’s notes excusing everything.
Quote of the Moment
Getting older is a privilege, but my knees seem to disagree
Dr. Marshall Owens
