NEED TO KNOW
- Authorities hauled out nearly a ton of “toxic waste,” which Big Pharma later clarified was “competition.”
- ICE is already exploring “Deportation Airlines” as a side hustle to fly in replacement pills.
- Forest animals now furious their snack stash has been federally seized.
A High-Stakes Bust in the High Sierra
Rangers in Sequoia National Park proudly announced they had seized thousands of Marijuana plants from a hidden grow site, along with nearly a ton of “toxic waste.” Environmentalists nodded grimly, while pharmaceutical executives popped champagne, congratulating themselves on another quarter free from competition with a plant you can’t patent.
The raid was framed as protecting nature, but insiders whispered that the real beneficiaries are the companies selling $500 prescription bottles designed to “replicate” the effects of cannabis without any of the fun.
Pharma’s New Favorite Rangers
Big Pharma lobbyists were quick to issue statements praising the raid. “We applaud law enforcement for protecting citizens from dangerous greenery,” one executive said, while scribbling “synthetic cannabis gummies” onto a product roadmap. Meanwhile, the rangers insisted their top priority was “saving the wilderness from toxic waste,” even as the wilderness itself allegedly muttered, “Bro, we were fine.”
Animals Left Dry
Local deer and raccoons reportedly staged a sit-in after the raid, noting that their seasonal supply of “happy leaves” had gone up in smoke. A squirrel who asked not to be named claimed, “You call it contraband, we call it brunch.”
The bust may have cut into cartel profits, but it has firmly secured Big Pharma’s grip on what God gave us for free. After all, the only thing more American than freedom is figuring out how to charge monthly for it.
This bust wasn’t about saving the forest, it was about saving Pfizer’s stock price.
Tom Cartwright, Amateur Plant Tracker
