NEED TO KNOW
- Modelo dethroned after deportations shrink its customer base
- Michelob Ultra now top-selling beer, thanks to being almost water
- Analysts credit “flavorless patriotism” for Ultra’s sudden rise
America’s beer wars have taken a sharp turn after President Donald Trump’s deportation blitz left Modelo Especial struggling to find drinkers. With millions of its loyal customers forced across the border, sales of the Mexican import collapsed, opening the door for Michelob Ultra to claim the top spot as America’s best-selling beer.
The shift is being called “the blanding of America” by industry experts. Where Modelo once symbolized bold flavor and backyard barbecues, Michelob Ultra has captured the crown with the proud boast of being a beer that barely tastes like one. “It’s perfect for people who want the social credit of drinking but none of the calories, culture, or flavor,” explained one analyst.
Executives at Anheuser-Busch were quick to credit Trump’s Immigration policies for the sales surge. “We didn’t have to market Michelob Ultra,” said one marketing VP. “We just had to let ICE do the heavy lifting.” Stores in border states report Modelo shelves sitting full and untouched, while Michelob Ultra coolers are emptied by golf dads, yoga moms, and confused tourists who think it’s seltzer.
A New Kind of Patriot Drink
At campaign rallies, Trump has already begun to take credit for the shift. “Modelo is out, totally out, thanks to me. Nobody drank more of it than the people I deported, believe me. Now we drink American beer—Michelob Ultra, the most American, least flavorful beer of them all,” he said to loud applause and one very tired Secret Service agent sipping Bud Light behind him.
Meanwhile, Modelo executives are scrambling for a comeback strategy. Leaks from company headquarters suggest plans for a “Deportee Edition” six-pack, bundled with a Greyhound bus ticket and an English-Spanish dictionary. Constellation Brands has not confirmed these reports, but shareholders are reportedly nervous about a permanent Ultra regime.
The Future of Beer Politics
Economists warn that the collapse of Modelo sales highlights how quickly cultural shifts can reshape markets. “Flavor is dead, calories are the new patriotism,” said one think tank fellow. He added that if Trump continues his policies, Dos Equis and Corona may be the next to fall, leaving America’s beer aisle stocked with nothing but Michelob Ultra, Coors Light, and sadness.
For now, Michelob Ultra reigns supreme. It may not be bold, but in an era of deportations and dietary tracking apps, it turns out blandness is exactly what sells.
Ultra is the only beer light enough to pass through airport security without detection.
Todd Blevins, Beer Institute of America
