NEED TO KNOW
- FDA warns mislabeled Celsius cans actually contain High Noon vodka
- Teens report “best gym sesh ever, followed by a nap in a ditch”
- Celsius insists it was a labeling accident, not a brand activation
Across several states, teenagers are reportedly swarming gas stations like it’s Black Friday at GNC after news broke that certain Celsius Energy Drinks were actually filled with High Noon vodka. The cans, which bear the “Astro Vibe” branding and promise to “accelerate metabolism,” are allegedly delivering 100% daily value of unexpected intoxication.
“I thought I was getting ripped,” said 17-year-old Bryce Withers, “but then I tried to deadlift a fire hydrant and started texting my ex about frogs. That’s when I knew this wasn’t normal Celsius.” Bryce added that he bought a case from a 7-Eleven that had already restocked the shelf three times “due to overwhelming fitness demand.”
Celsius has apologized for the mix-up, attributing it to a packaging vendor who “mistakenly shipped their hopes and dreams directly into federal liability.” High Noon’s response was even clearer: “This is what happens when you name a drink ‘Astro Vibe.’ Honestly, you were asking for it.”
Local parents have begun calling for tighter can-lid color regulations, claiming that “silver means soda” while “black means sin.” Meanwhile, Instagram reels showing teens chugging mislabeled cans in Planet Fitness parking lots have triggered a federal investigation into whether this was sabotage or just Gen Z’s natural evolution.
They said energy drinks were dangerous. They didn’t say they were *this* much fun.
Quote of the moment
I’ve had four and my eyelids are trying to go in different directions
Kyle ‘K-Pain’ Jorgenson, gas station influencer
