Are you tired of buying toilet paper and surveillance in the same box? Do you break out in hives when you see a smiley arrow that looks like it knows your browser history? Good news, emotionally overclocked consumer — here are 9 real products you can buy without giving Jeff Bezos a single dime. All available from Bezos-free retailers like Home Depot, Walmart, Best Buy, and the dusty corners of America where capitalism still wears overalls.
The “No Soliciting” Outdoor Sign
Because nothing says “welcome to our home” like a slab of wood threatening Girl Scouts, Mormons, and multi-level marketers with emotional violence. This tasteful rectangle tells strangers to keep walking while preserving your plausible deniability at the HOA meeting. Also available in fonts that scream, “We own multiple firearms but also shop at Hobby Lobby.”
Find at Home DepotGreenworks 80V Jet Blower (To Blow Off Bezos Energy)
Great for leaves, dirt, and existential dread. Battery-powered, but unlike Amazon’s Alexa, it won’t listen in while you scream into the void.
Find at WalmartThe “Not Alexa” Voice Assistant (Just a Person Named Siri)
A Bluetooth speaker pre-programmed with affirmations like “You’re doing great” and “You don’t need two-day shipping to be valid.”
Find at Best BuyEcobee Smart Thermostat (Yes, It’s Also Spying, But At Least It’s Not Amazon)
Because if you’re going to be monitored, it might as well be by someone who doesn’t sell protein powder and lingerie in the same aisle.
Find at Home DepotStanley FatMax Toolbox (Because Bezos Doesn’t Build Things, He Destroys Hope)
Toolbox heavy enough to crush regret and carry every item you’ve needed to fix your WiFi since 2006.
Find at Home DepotOld-School Popcorn Machine (For Watching Capitalism Burn in HD)
Nothing screams anti-corporate rebellion like air-popped popcorn and a 6-part docuseries on tech overlords.
Find at WayfairRidgid Cordless Drill Kit (Unsubscribe From Passive Consumerism)
Drill holes, assemble furniture, and metaphorically break the glass ceiling.
Find at Home DepotRoku Smart TV (Because You Don’t Need Prime to Watch Reruns)
Stream every app except the one that tells you what else to buy. You know the one.
Find at Best BuyRubbermaid 200-Gallon Storage Shed (Hide Your Secrets, Not Your Shame)
Perfect for off-grid essentials: canned beans, your flip phone, and a full binder of coupons.
Find at LowesWhether you’re boycotting Amazon, ghosting Bezos, or just tired of one-click regret shopping, these 23 gloriously unnecessary items prove you don’t need a Prime account to make bad financial decisions. So skip the drones, dodge the algorithms, and support retailers who still think customer service involves a human being. Because freedom means spending $279 on a frozen drink machine you’ll use once, then store next to your regrets and unopened juicer. Happy anti-Prime Day — and remember, Bezos can’t tax your sarcasm…. Yet.
