NEED TO KNOW
- New report shows the US National Debt’s growth rate has outpaced both the Dow Jones Industrial Average and the S&P 500.
- Economists say the only thing compounding faster than the debt is regret over not buying more Treasury bonds in kindergarten.
- Wall Street analysts admit, “If only national debt were a stock, we’d all be rich.”
The Only Bull Market You Can’t Buy
America’s most consistent winner is not a blue-chip company or a tech giant. It’s the National Debt. A new analysis reveals that while most Americans are busy watching stock tickers, the national IOU has been quietly smashing performance records, outgrowing both the Dow and the S&P 500 over the past decade. Even Warren Buffett admits, “I wish I could have invested in the debt, but it turns out, I already did.”
Investors Jealous, Taxpayers Nervous
As Wall Street chases the next hot sector, the national debt’s relentless climb has put it at the top of every long-term growth chart. Some financial advisors now recommend buying “shares” in federal spending, though experts warn that the dividends are paid in anxiety and national parks with broken water fountains.
Debt Ceiling: The New All-Time High
Financial media outlets, desperate for a new milestone, now cover each national debt increase like it’s the Super Bowl. “US Debt breaks through another trillion—what will it do next?” asks one popular money show. Spoiler: it will go up.
Portfolio Diversification, Congressional Style
Congressional leaders celebrated the debt’s record-setting run, promising more creative budget maneuvers ahead. “You can’t fight the trend,” one House member told The Folly Times, “unless you want to lose re-election. We’re thinking of adding a National Debt ETF to the next stimulus package.” Meanwhile, traders on Wall Street wonder when debt will finally split, or at least offer a loyalty program for repeat taxpayers.
The Smart Money is on Owing More
Economists predict that, at its current pace, the national debt will soon be the only American institution with guaranteed growth, outpacing Bitcoin, meme stocks, and even the price of eggs. As one analyst said, “In a world of uncertainty, nothing is more reliable than America owing someone else money.”
Quote of the Moment
If only I’d bought debt futures instead of Beanie Babies
Chad Candlewick, Wall Street Trader
