NEED TO KNOW
- President Trump announces every newborn will receive a $1,000 “Trump Savings Account”—nicknamed the “MAGA Account.”
- CEOs from Dell, Goldman Sachs, and Uber cheer as government tries to fund baby investment accounts “at no cost” to taxpayers.
- Withdrawals are allowed at age 18, but only for “approved” reasons (like starting a business or attending Trump University).
Making Babies Rich (Someday)
In a move that immediately trended as “baby’s first bear market,” President Trump stood beside America’s most powerful CEOs and introduced the “Trump Savings Account.” Under the new law, every baby born in the U.S. between 2025 and 2029 gets a $1,000 government-seeded investment account. Parents can also throw in another $5,000 a year—because nothing says “childhood” like sweating your portfolio’s performance before you’re out of diapers.
Zero Cost? Just a 3.5% ‘Not-a-Tax’ Tax
Trump was quick to assure Americans this plan “costs absolutely nothing.” The funds will come from a 3.5% “remittance fee” on money sent abroad. That’s right—grandma in Guatemala just became your child’s silent benefactor. No word yet on whether Venmo emojis will count toward the national debt.
Wall Street Babies: Now With More Paperwork
Forget 529s, Roth IRAs, or the simple act of stuffing money under a mattress. Trump’s new MAGA Accounts are the Swiss Army knife of bureaucracy: post-tax in, post-tax out, and you can only touch half the cash at age 18 for special reasons—like higher education or “approved” entrepreneurial schemes. At age 30, you finally get all your money, assuming you haven’t already spent it on meme stocks or presidential NFTs.
Critics Question: What If My Kid Wants to Buy a Bike?
Financial advisors are already warning parents not to “park more than the $1,000 freebie” in these accounts, which are less tax-friendly than existing options. When asked about the plan, one adviser simply said, “It’s like a Roth IRA, except more confusing and with more photos of Trump on the paperwork.”
The Fine Print: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
All eyes now turn to the Senate, where the bill faces opposition from those who believe the $3.6 billion “Baby Bonus” could balloon the deficit or accidentally spawn a new class of toddler day traders. If you see a swarm of infants on Reddit’s WallStreetBets, you’ll know the plan worked.
Quote of the Moment
This is how you Make America Save Again: by making newborns fill out 18 years of forms before buying their first Fortnite skin
Wall Street strategist
