The Penny Faces Retirement, Will Spend Golden Years Under Car Seats and in That One Drawer Everyone Has

NEED TO KNOW

The U.S. Treasury plans to stop making pennies, finally putting an end to Lincoln’s long, copper-coated struggle.
Pennies will remain legal tender, but nobody’s really used them unironically since 1998.
There are 114 billion of them in circulation, 113 billion of which are currently in old coffee cans, drive-thru gutters, or glued to middle school science projects.

A Nation of Loose Change Faces a Copper Crisis

After years of costing more to make than they’re worth — much like group projects and scented candles — the penny is finally being shown the door. The U.S. Treasury announced it will wind down production, ending an era of small change and big debates about whether we should bother picking one up if it’s face down.

But don’t worry, the 114 billion pennies currently in existence aren’t going anywhere. They will continue haunting glove compartments, take-a-penny dishes, and laundry room corners well into the 2100s. Much like glitter and regret, they cannot be destroyed.

Retailers will eventually begin rounding cash transactions to the nearest nickel. In some states, this will lead to new underground math leagues trying to game the system for a theoretical three-cent profit.

Copper and Outdated Sentimentality

The penny has long been the coin nobody wanted but everyone felt bad throwing away. Abraham Lincoln’s head will remain immortalized on the currency equivalent of a shrug, while nickels eye the change tray nervously, knowing they’re now the next in line.

“I just want to thank the penny for its service,” said Treasury intern Matt Donner. “And for helping me dig gum out of vending machines since 2003.”

Online, reaction was mixed. Nostalgic boomers mourned the loss of the copper icon. Gen Z asked if pennies were the ones with the tree on the back. One TikTok creator announced plans to melt his entire penny jar into a “Freedom Nugget,” claiming it would “definitely increase in value once they’re illegal.”

What Happens Now?

Experts say most pennies will remain in circulation for decades, which is the same thing they said in 1992. Meanwhile, thousands of Americans will continue hoarding them in giant pickle jars labeled “Vegas Fund” or “Retirement, Sorta.”

Coin-counting machines are expected to see a brief spike in business before their inevitable extinction, right next to rotary phones and Blockbuster.

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