NEED TO KNOW
- American Eagle’s “great jeans” campaign has conservatives praising genetics and liberals screaming into artisan pillows.
- Local MAGA husband believes jeans and patriotism should stretch but not snap.
- ER doctors confirm denim-related injury was “100% preventable with empathy or even just basic listening.”
A Texas man is facing backlash, a bruised ego, and several frozen dinners after insisting his wife could “100%” fit into the same pair of American Eagle jeans modeled by Sydney Sweeney, triggering what hospital staff have classified as a “denim-induced mental break with mild rib compression.”
“Look, she’s got American genes, too,” said Jerry McNaughton, clutching a Constitution-themed koozie. “If Sydney Sweeney can pull off those jeans and American values, then so can my wife, who was prom queen in 1998 and still owns that dress.”
His wife, Debra, reportedly attempted to squeeze into the jeans after a heated argument outside the changing room of a suburban mall’s American Eagle. Witnesses say Jerry kept shouting, “They’re heritage cut! Like our Constitution!” while Debra screamed for cranberry juice and elastic waistband justice.
The jeans in question were part of American Eagle’s controversial “great jeans/genes” campaign featuring Sydney Sweeney, whose symmetrical bone structure has accidentally reignited a thousand conservative marriages and started two Twitter wars.
Experts warn that denim sizing does not reflect national worth or marital status. “If you love your wife, don’t compare her to a 26-year-old with abs and a Netflix contract,” said Dr. Lena Martinez. “Buy the damn jeggings and tell her she’s beautiful.”
Quote of the moment
I didn’t leave him over the jeans. I left because he said Sydney was a more authentic American than me
Debra McNaughton, patriot and survivor
