Suburban Dad Prepares for War Against Illegal Fireworks… Using Bigger, More Illegal Fireworks

NEED TO KNOW

Greg Thomas of Oakvale, Indiana has declared a “preemptive retaliatory strike” against neighbors lighting off illegal fireworks.
His plan includes 400 mortars, 36 Roman candle bundles, and one propane-powered eagle sculpture.
Local police say they’ll “look into it,” right after their barbecue and at least three beers.

Neighborhood Cold War Escalates

Each year, Greg vows to uphold the rule of law by out-blasting the very criminals he swears to defeat. “If Kyle across the street wants to light one more ‘illegal aerial,’ I’ll answer with a salute to liberty that’ll shake his Honda Civic into a recall,” said Greg, already shirtless and sweating.

DIY Patriot Missile Program Underway

Greg’s backyard arsenal now includes items labeled “Not For Sale in U.S.” and a suspicious crate marked “Viva La Freedom – Serbia.” His wife claims she thought the box was a standing desk. The driveway currently contains a launch platform made from a grill, a trampoline, and several broken folding chairs.

Neighborhood Pets Already Filing Trauma Claims

As dusk approaches, nearby dogs have begun drafting letters to Congress. “Every year it’s like the Battle of Fallujah with yard signs,” said one visibly trembling golden retriever wearing noise-canceling earmuffs and a shirt that says “I support diplomacy.”