NEED TO KNOW
- Child allegedly enjoyed Disney remake, sparking “ideological betrayal” in living room
- Father blames woke mind virus, mainstream media, and gluten-free fruit snacks
- Family custody now split between mom’s house and Ben Shapiro’s podcast playlist
Family Movie Night Ends in Cultural Apocalypse
TOPEKA, KS – Local dad and self-identified “Freedom Shepherd” Ron Mallory reportedly disowned his 5-year-old child Tuesday evening after the youngster failed to express hatred for Disney’s Snow White live-action remake. The child’s crime: “sitting quietly and smiling twice.”
“This ain’t the America I deployed for,” said Mallory, who once served one fiscal quarter in the National Guard. “I don’t care if he’s five — if you like progressive dwarves, you’re not my kin.”
Dad Says Film Was “Less About Whiteness, More About Weakness”
According to Ron, the film’s portrayal of a “non-blonde, non-obedient Snow White” was a Marxist assault on traditional values, bedtime routines, and “Walt’s original vision of female passivity.”
“My son clapped at the end. I nearly had a stroke. He used to be into trucks and meat,” Mallory added while angrily folding a Constitution-themed baby blanket.
Experts Diagnose Sudden-Onset Media Fragility Syndrome
Parenting therapists say the condition is increasingly common among fathers who spend 4–6 hours daily doomscrolling conservative YouTube while eating steak with tactical forks.
“When your worldview is shaped by algorithmic rage, a non-racist forest scene can feel like a personal attack,” said Dr. Lana Ridge, child psychologist and popcorn-neutrality advocate.
Custody Hearing Includes Mandatory Daily Fox News Calibration
Ron is petitioning for full custody of his son’s masculinity. Meanwhile, the child’s mother has filed a counter-motion requesting that “entertainment be allowed to be fun again.”
The child, when asked for comment, replied, “I liked the bird. She had a dress. It was sparkly.”
Quote of the moment
If loving your kid means tolerating a woke Snow White, then call me childless
Ron Mallory, Patriot Dad
