In a shocking yet oddly relatable study, researchers have found that the nation’s Wi-Fi connections are now stronger than the bonds between family members. The study, conducted by the Institute for Modern Priorities, revealed that families are more likely to experience buffering during conversations than during Netflix binges.
Dr. Sarah Bandwidth, the lead researcher, explained that the modern family’s emotional connection is increasingly dependent on internet stability. “Our data shows that the average family will troubleshoot Wi-Fi issues within minutes, but personal conflicts may go unresolved for months, sometimes even years,” Bandwidth stated.
From Family Reunions to Wi-Fi Resets
According to the report, 73% of Americans admit they would rather endure awkward family gatherings if it came with a promise of a strong Wi-Fi signal. Meanwhile, only 12% said they would trade an internet outage for an uninterrupted conversation with their loved ones.
One father from Ohio, Tim Router, summed it up: “I haven’t spoken to my son in two weeks, but when the Wi-Fi went down, we were able to solve that issue in 10 minutes flat. Who needs heart-to-hearts when we’ve got 5G?”
The New Centerpiece of Family Life
The study also highlighted how the Wi-Fi router has replaced the dining table as the centerpiece of American family life. “Families no longer gather to share meals—they gather to share bandwidth,” Bandwidth remarked. “And while family dinner is often a lost tradition, synchronizing everyone’s devices on the same network has become the new bonding activity.”
Internet providers are now marketing “family-friendly” plans that prioritize speed and connectivity over interpersonal communication. A spokesperson for StreamFast Internet explained, “We know what people want—a reliable connection with zero interruptions, unlike that last holiday dinner with Aunt Karen.”
The Future of Family Time
Looking forward, experts believe that family bonding activities will soon include scheduled “Wi-Fi breaks,” where families sit together in silence while everyone catches up on their TikTok feed. Family counselors are urging parents to unplug more often but concede that asking a teenager to “reset” emotionally is much harder than resetting a modem.
The study concludes with a recommendation: while families may be drifting apart in the real world, they are growing closer in the digital one—often from opposite corners of the house.
