NEED TO KNOW
- Witnesses say the man’s argument victory was “technically correct, emotionally catastrophic.”
- His wife confirms he’s been “glowing like a Reddit upvote” since the event.
- The children reportedly enjoyed 45 extra minutes of reflection time in the school lobby.
CEDAR RIDGE, OH — Local Husband and part-time keyboard warrior Eric Dempsey achieved the impossible this week after proving a stranger wrong online, a feat family members say immediately erased every mistake he’s ever made as a husband, father, and general human being.
Dempsey, 34, reportedly entered the Facebook argument “for moral reasons,” after a user incorrectly cited a 2016 Pew study about inflation and avocado toast. Three hours later, using a mix of half-remembered statistics and raw masculine certainty, he delivered what he called “the intellectual equivalent of Normandy.”
“I didn’t do it for me,” Dempsey told reporters. “I did it for truth. And maybe a little bit for the algorithm.” His wife, Megan, confirmed he celebrated the victory by pacing the kitchen and whispering, “That’s what owning looks like” into his mug of reheated coffee.
Household Still Recovering From Victory
While Dempsey’s post received seven likes and one “Care” emoji, sources say the family is still reeling from the aftershocks. Their two children, 7 and 9, waited 47 minutes at school pickup while their father composed what he described as “the most devastating closing argument since Atticus Finch.”
“It was incredible,” said family friend Luke Harris. “He missed dinner, bedtime, and one kid’s choir recital, but that Redditor will never misuse a graph again.”
Wife Credits Internet for “Character Growth”
Despite initial frustration, Megan Dempsey admitted her husband’s online courage inspired her. “He’s never stood up for me that hard,” she said. “Or at all, really. But if arguing with a guy named CryptoChrist_88 brings him joy, who am I to stop him?”
According to witnesses, Dempsey ended his triumphant evening by refreshing the comment thread “to monitor the fallout.” By morning, the stranger had deleted their account, an act Dempsey interpreted as total surrender. Experts, however, believe the other user simply logged off.
“That’s what they all say,” Dempsey replied, while updating his LinkedIn bio to include ‘Thought Leader, Internet Debates.’
He later promised to spend “more quality time offline” — just as soon as he finishes explaining the Federal Reserve to an influencer in the comments section of a banana bread recipe.
If Socrates had Wi-Fi, he’d have done the same thing.
Dr. Allen Fairbrooks, Online Ethics Institute
