NEED TO KNOW
- Lines outside Nintendo stores now rival the Great Wall of China, but with more cosplay and less architectural significance.
- Nintendo promises Switch 2 buyers a bigger screen, better graphics, and 30% more opportunity to neglect basic self-care.
- Reports confirm at least seven Luigis, four Marios, and a single weeping Pikachu in line since last Tuesday.
The Midnight Quest for the Switch 2
It started as a trickle. By Wednesday evening, New York’s Rockefeller Center was a full-blown Mushroom Kingdom, with Switch fans forming a human Tetris block that stretched across multiple city blocks. The air buzzed with excitement, battery-powered fans, and a faint aroma best described as “Mario’s Overalls After Level 8-4.”
Hardcore Fandom Meets Modern Plumbing (And Loses)
Many eager gamers set up tents, lawn chairs, and elaborate snack caches, braving rain, humidity, and the risk of missing their next gacha pull. Local health officials issued gentle reminders to “please shower” before pick-up, while GameStop staff handed out deodorant samples and tiny bars of hotel soap.
Cosplay Levels Reach Critical Mass
Nintendo fans take their cosplay seriously. By Wednesday, the crowd included a Donkey Kong with questionable hygiene, seven Luigis, and a group of people claiming to be the entire Super Smash Bros. roster. The single Pikachu had not blinked in 36 hours, but was “still feeling super effective,” according to onlookers.
Switch 2: Now With 30% More Existential Dread
With its bigger screen, improved graphics, and larger controls, the Switch 2 promises to revolutionize procrastination and destroy friendships in Mario Kart like never before. Nintendo confirmed the price would remain at $449.99, which is exactly what you’d pay to lose all your friends in HD.
The Real Adventure: Surviving the Line
Store managers say 70% of customers want to pick up their consoles in-store, and 100% of them will complain about “lag” in real life while waiting. Nintendo’s only warning? “No guarantees of delivery by June 5.” In other words, the ultimate side quest.
Quote of the Moment
I haven’t showered since Monday, but if that’s the price for Mario in 4K, so be it.
Luigi #4 (standing in line)
