What You Need to Know
• Fox News loses another host as Trump appoints Judge Jeanine Pirro interim U.S. Attorney in Washington
• Desperate for replacements, network turns to local AV clubs to anchor programming
• Critics question if teen broadcasters can maintain Fox’s signature blend of outrage, panic, and patriotism
When in Doubt, Go to Homeroom
Following the sudden departure of Judge Jeanine Pirro, Fox News has reportedly run out of remaining hosts who haven’t already left to join a Trump Administration, face indictment, or start a podcast about how they were shadowbanned.
Rather than develop new on-air talent, the network has turned to a more affordable and emotionally available option: high school AV clubs. “They’ve got green screens, questionable confidence, and a natural gift for chaos,” one Fox producer explained. “They’ll fit right in.”
Judge Jeanine’s Promotion Sends the Network into Free Fall
Judge Pirro, known for her raspy monologues and unwavering loyalty to dramatic pauses, was tapped by Trump to serve as interim U.S. Attorney in D.C. While critics immediately cited her total lack of federal prosecutorial experience, Trump praised her “ability to yell legal terms with the confidence of someone holding a martini.”
Her departure follows a wave of Fox hosts leaving either voluntarily or by force of subpoena. This has left programming gaps in several primetime slots, which the network now hopes to fill with high schoolers named Dylan who own lavalier mics.
Morning Announcements, Now Brought to You by Fox
In a surprise audition process livestreamed on Fox Nation, students from across the country competed for anchor spots. One finalist, 17-year-old Kayla from Des Moines, earned praise for calling the cafeteria’s breakfast burrito policy “an act of Marxist overreach.”
Another candidate went viral for introducing a segment titled “Is the Deep State Hiding in My Locker?”
The network has already rebranded its weekend lineup. “Fox & Friends” will now be co-hosted by a debate team captain, the kid who runs detention hall audio, and a guy who once bootlegged The Matrix on VHS.
Experts Remain Cautiously Entertained
Media analysts are skeptical but intrigued. “It’s hard to say whether this will improve or collapse the network,” said one media professor. “But if you’re going to spread fear and ratings-driven hysteria, you might as well save money on hair and makeup.”
Meanwhile, Fox viewers appear mostly unfazed. One longtime fan posted, “I just want someone to yell about gas prices. If that’s a sophomore in cargo shorts, so be it.”
