NEED TO KNOW
- The Trump Administration has revoked Harvard’s ability to enroll foreign students.
- Thousands of international students now face possible transfer or removal just days before graduation.
- DHS demanded detailed records of foreign students, citing vague “concerns,” most of which appear allergic to critical thinking.
America to International Students at Harvard: Take Your Brains Elsewhere
The Trump administration announced Thursday that Harvard University will no longer be allowed to enroll foreign students, effective immediately. Thousands of students are now being told they can either transfer mid-final or go back to their countries and stop being so good at calculus.
According to sources, the decision was made after President Trump allegedly muttered during lunch, “There’s just too many smart people from places I can’t golf in.”
Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem backed the order after demanding Harvard provide disciplinary records for all foreign students, including information like “suspected sarcasm,” “bicycle usage,” and “books over 500 pages.”
A Crackdown on Education, But Make It Political
The administration claims the move is about “restoring integrity” to American universities, though insiders say it’s mostly about “restoring Harvard to a place where people clap for Trump without irony.”
The revocation comes just days before Harvard’s commencement, turning graduation into an international game of educational musical chairs. Meanwhile, guidance counselors are reportedly Googling “Can you transfer 120 credits to Ohio State in a week?”
Ivy League Intelligence Now Considered ‘Foreign Interference’
Critics say the decision is part of a broader trend of punishing elite institutions for existing in places with bookstores and voters who know what the word “autocracy” means. Supporters, meanwhile, are excited to finally see Harvard “put in its place,” which for them is somewhere between DeVry and a YouTube diploma.
Trump reportedly told aides that foreign students at Harvard pose a threat to “American dominance in owning the libs with bad grammar.” One source close to the president said, “He got nervous when someone said ‘summa cum laude’ and thought it was Spanish for fake news.”
The Future of Education Now Comes with an Exit Visa
Harvard has not commented beyond confirming that it is “reviewing all legal options, including a public reading of the Constitution for federal staff.” The administration insists this is only the beginning and may extend restrictions to other schools “with too many reusable water bottles per capita.”
Quote of the Moment
We don’t need foreign students bringing ideas like nuance and research to our sacred halls of chest-thumping
Anonymous DHS official currently Googling what ‘dissertation’ means
