NEED TO KNOW
- Former assistants reveal Diddy’s disturbing love of applesauce—on cheeseburgers, no less.
- Jurors visibly recoiled during testimony, with one making a gagging motion as evidence was entered into the food court of public opinion.
- This condiment chaos unfolded amid testimony of thrown apples, whiskey-fueled private jet fights, and something called a “Black AMEX baby oil run.”
Diddy’s Trial Takes Unexpected Turn as Applesauce Becomes Key Witness
In a trial already overflowing with allegations of violence, mayhem, and AMEX-powered yacht rentals, jurors at Sean “Diddy” Combs’ explosive Manhattan trial reached their collective limit this week—not over assaults or screaming matches, but over applesauce on cheeseburgers.
“Yes, he loved applesauce,” said former assistant George Kaplan on the stand Thursday. “And yes, he put it on burgers.”
At that moment, multiple jurors reportedly recoiled, and one attempted to crawl under the jury box while whispering, “He should fry for this.”
Courtroom sketch artists were instructed to stop drawing.
The Burgers Were Just the Beginning
Kaplan testified that Diddy’s Black AMEX card—so powerful it apparently doubles as a congressional voting share—was regularly used to buy the rapper’s “essentials,” including baby oil, private villas, and industrial cases of applesauce. The brand remains unconfirmed, but insiders suspect it was one of those overly organic ones that smells like regret.
Earlier in the week, another assistant, David James, confirmed that Diddy brought his own ketchup to the UK “because their tomato sauce isn’t American enough,” and always packed applesauce in his travel bag. He did not confirm if the applesauce had diplomatic immunity.
Asked whether he knew Diddy used it as a burger topping, James shook his head. “I knew he loved it. I didn’t know we were here.”
The Flavor Profile of Chaos
While the applesauce moment offered comic relief, it couldn’t fully distract from darker claims. In the same courtroom breath, Kaplan described a scene where Diddy pelted a former girlfriend with apples during a Miami mansion argument. The apples were allegedly part of the home’s “decor,” which raises questions about who thought fruit-based rage was an acceptable design theme.
On a private jet, Kaplan recalled a whiskey-fueled blowup with Cassie Ventura. “There was glass breaking. Screaming. It was chaotic,” he said. No word on whether applesauce was served at altitude, though the FAA has since issued a no-fly condiment list.
The People v. The Purée
Though Diddy maintains his innocence, legal experts say the applesauce admission could be “devastating,” mostly to the nation’s collective appetite. If convicted, he could be banned from public barbecues for life, or forced to serve 20 hours of community service teaching proper condiment pairings to preschoolers.
“Honestly, the violent stuff is disturbing,” one juror told reporters outside the courthouse, “but it’s the applesauce that haunts me.”
Quote of the Moment
I can forgive a lot, but applesauce on beef? That’s premeditated
Juror #9, chewing antacid like it’s gum
